Divorce is such a painful and difficult event; it stirs up so many emotions. During the process lots of divorced parents feels betrayed, failed, not appreciated, and rejected. Resentment comes along as the feelings are not cleared out. To some degree, all of us can ponder on questions like: Why did it happen to me? What did I do wrong? Who is to blame? In what way is the other better than me – when a third person played some role in the break up?
From the old narcissistic hurt — “I’m not good enough?!” — some people simply want revenge and do anything to make the other’s life miserable.
In another state of mind with damaged self-esteem some might want to get verification that, against being abandoned, she or he is worthy for love. Sure they are! But this is not their ex who has to prove.
If you discover the crumbs of these feeling inside you it is worth to consider: what do you really want to achieve? If you know that relationship has no future, but it is easier to keep up with replacement dates instead of finding new partner or new lifestyle, you might rob yourself or your partner from precious time and possibilities.
But there are plenty of situations when I find it reasonable for divorced parents to give one another chance for the relationship and to get back together.
To begin with, there has to be lots of positive feelings and memories – otherwise you wouldn’t begin the relationship, would you? Understanding is helpful even in case of feelings. Try to comprehend what happened. What you fell in love for at first! What kind of characteristics were the most attractive to you? What’s your story? What did you expect, and how much were those expectation fulfilled while the relationship lasted? Make a summary of what were the most important points that caught your eyes and imagination in your partner.
When you see clearly what you liked in the other person and how you planned to live your life together, then you can go forward and think about why you ended up as divorced parents?
What was the base of the discrepancies: Character differences or values? Misconceptions about the others needs and wants or miscommunications? Are they changeable or not?
By the way, the thing about change is that you can change actions and behavior, you can change the way you communicate, and you can require certain ways of behavior with you. For a limited amount you can change your own character. But don’t even think about changing your partner’s character!
“If he stops drinking I’ll be happy.” – simply doesn’t work. Why do you think s/he would change if it didn’t happen until now? There is no chance that you can change the other’s personality. If he is unreliable he most likely will remain that way. If she is dependent of you she will most likely stay dependent.
However, if divorced parents find out why they ended up separating, they can concentrate on finding a solution for that. It is important to focus on finding new problem solving strategies instead of the old, failed approach. There was a time when you couldn’t resolve your conflicts; be sure not to go again the same way if you get back together!
At the end of the considerations you might feel that the two of you are way more important for each other than you thought before. Maybe you think you hold plenty of value for each other. Maybe you don’t want to lose all the positive experience and the belonging to that wonderful – but maybe not flawless – person. This is a very good reason to get back together and renew the relationship.
In summary: if your goal is to take revenge, get back the lost self-confidence, chase boredom or not take courage to step out to the world, there is a big chance that someone gets hurt again.
But if you feel the old appreciation, acknowledgement and belonging which was the positive part of the relationship and you realize how much you miss them and want to restore them, it might be a wonderful rebirth.
Still you probably have to clear up the resentments with apology and forgiveness for the hurtful sayings and happenings. Try to avoid the old traps and figure out better resolutions for returning problems!
Good luck!
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