Insecurity, a fear-based emotion, exists in relationships where trust has never been established nor proven. It has the ability not only to paralyze a relationship, but also to shatter it. Fear, the prime component of insecurity in relationships, and jealousy, a derivative of fear, all come together to create a perfect storm.
Insecurity stems from a lack of love in oneself and a feeling of rejection. People with this mind-set believe that since they find themselves unlovable, so must everyone else, and unconsciously create scenarios of rejection based on those negative beliefs.
Conversely, one of the cornerstones of a healthy, vibrant relationship is the ability to trust one’s partner. Without trust, most relationships stand a slim chance of surviving. Wild, passionate sex, financial security and exhilarating thrills, whether they be requirements or needs, can never replace trust.
Essentially, trust says that I believe you will be there when I need you; I believe you will catch me if I fall; I believe you have my back. I believe you will always treat me with the same courtesy and respect, you’d want for yourself. Trust goes further and promises, I will keep your secrets; I will not betray you, no matter how tempted I may become; I will act with the utmost integrity and character where you are concerned. You are safe with me.
One should recognize above all things, however, that trust is built over time. It doesn’t come instantly, nor should it. Trust is like a baby who takes a step here and a step there, and it involves risk - your willingness to allow your partner to reveal him/herself to you. At first, it grows in small things - whether or not his/her word is kept in a situation; whether or not he/she acts with integrity, etc. By acting consistently, time after time, a person shows his/her partner how well they can be relied upon.
Several things occur when trust has been established.
- Intimacy flourishes in the presence of trust, allowing it to grow and intensify. Trust says that exploration in intimacy is not only possible, but fun-filled and private, (for those otherwise timid souls).
- Emotional security is anchored and undergirded where trust abounds, permitting a partner to freely breath and relax in the relationship.
Fortunately, insecurities can be overcome, and relationships once burdened by the vestiges of that negativity can rebound and bloom. Try the following:
- Begin to see yourself for who you are. If your thoughts of self are unlovable, begin now to replace them (there are a million books out there to help you), with thoughts of love and acceptance, yes, acceptance. You, along with everyone else, are here for a reason, a beautiful one at that. Immerse yourself only with thoughts of love, for yourself and everything around you. While you won't see things change overnight, if you persevere in this, eventually you will begin to envision things as warm and welcoming.
- Practice the art of “letting go.” Some things, when held too closely, sear our spirit and our mind. Learn how to meditate and give each and every negative thought to the Universe to do with it as it wills. For every negative thought, contemplate one more acceptable and keeping in line with your place as a gift of the Universe.
- Concentrate on what’s right with the relationship and build on that. (Now, if your insecurities in this particular relationship are factual and NOT fear-based, analyze the relationship from top to bottom.) For instance, if you’re belittled in any way, made to feel unworthy, or even slightly abused, exit the relationship immediately. You deserve better. However, if you find yourself having a pattern of insecurity in relationships each and every time, make an effort to recognize your problem as stemming from an absence of self love.
- Give your fertile mind a rest. Learn how to realistically view your relationship, remembering no relationship is perfect. An insecure mind imagines what’s wrong and, unfortunately, very often creates something out of nothing. Doing so sabotages your relationship. Understand that your active imagination will eventually cause those same negative situations to pop up like weeds.
- Find assurance within yourself. No one outside of yourself can make you happy. While others may add to your happiness, only you and you alone have the ability to bring happiness into your life. Happiness lies within yourself and assigning it to another person is totally unfair.
- Last, forego all comparisons between this relationship and any other. Let this relationship stand on its own, and be dealt with for what it is, not the relationship you had with Bob/Sue/Sam/Jane.
- With insecurity comes anxiousness. People who are always anxious have a tendency to wear on other people's nerves, which creates friction. See where this is going? The moment you feel anxiousness arising anywhere in your mind and spirit, take a deep breath. Breath slowly out and command yourself to RELAX.
Decide if you want to have a great relationship. If you do, set your intentions to have one. Think on the ideas above, and put them in action for your benefit and your partner's.