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How do you save your marriage when midlife crisis symptoms begin?

Written By

La Grande Mason, Jr

PhD, CEO & Executive Director at HALO

Briefly Speaking

Find out how midlife crisis symptoms affect marriages and how couples can cope with the effects.
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Globally we have heard discussions and dissertations on the midlife crisis symptoms. But what is a midlife crisis? Is it a moment in the life of an individual (more often men) where the onset of depression fueled by physical change and a doubt of virility, cause lack of self worth or the ego? Maybe it’s a physically diminished set of hormones that hoodwinks the mind to go out and purchase a material good that is either for the younger generation or a richer more affording icon. Whatever it is, it wrecs havoc on those related to the person in crisis.

Marriages that are victimized by the midlife crisis symptoms usually have casualties. Children are affected and the spouse or significant other is truly victimized. Even the family of origin, siblings, moms and dads of the person in crisis, feel the affects. They are the targeted blame for some deep seeded or shortcoming in that persons childhood. Spouses are cheated on and children are neglected. Even one’s job performance is lacking.

If the marriage is in jeopardy, often seeking a professional counselor, therapist or trusted confidant is thrust. A cleric or person of Faith is also a good source. But a remedy is often defused by one’s new quest to satisfy an unbridled ego. An ego that has more excuses than a politicians make good on promises.

The greatest fear by the surviving spouse is infidelity. A cheater can really hurt the family. Cheating means that the most sacred of vows has been violated, disease is potentially to be availed and thus bringing forth a child out of wedlock really caps off reality when being sexually unfaithful. But sexual promiscuity doesn’t always occur, spending time with another outside of one’s committed home is just as hurtful. Spending money on someone else, when the funds are tight enough for the significant party.

The remedy is prevention. Spot checking satisfaction in the relationship frequently is the most common form of prevention. Asking your partner if they are sexually satisfied when having sex and making love. Being spontaneous in the romantic relationship and creatively seductive. Share in common interests and support the other’s endeavors and aspirations.

If one notices lack of affection, time spent and a deterred interest in the other, it’s time to ask questions. Take greater notice. Offer advice and suggest some activities that you feel both of you may enjoy. Be weary of financial spending that is out of the boundaries of your household budget.

Protect your assets by moving large sums of money into accounts that would require both of you together to access.

Ask bold questions like:

  • Are you happy with me?
  • Aren’t you spending too much time doing what you say your doing?
  • Have you noticed the kids are asking for more of your time
  • When is the last time you spoke to your folks (mom,dad, sister, brother)?
  • We haven’t spent any quality time alone, when will we?
  • We haven’t made love in three weeks, is there a problem?
  • Why did you spend so much money?
  • Why did you buy that car that only you can drive?
  • Are you sleeping with somebody else?
  • Are you seeing somebody else?
  • What is wrong with you?
  • Can I help?
  • Have you thought about getting professional help?
  • Have you been honest with me?
  • If you’ve violated our vows, can we work things out?
  • Don’t you love me anymore?
  • Do you want a divorce?

These are questions that are often avoided when relationships are in danger, but if you are on the verge of separation or divorce, these questions must be asked. A good old fashion heart to heart, eye to eye, knee to knee in the confines of a building, room (other than your bedroom) or empty lot will provide any isemblance of being able to work things out. Time is the healer and remedy to all things. Man or woman it is perfectly fine to cry and show emotions, even anger. But no hitting!

*The bedroom is a sacred place for most married couples, it is sensitive to memory and thought. It has a life source of its own. If after you have resolved your issue and you are in the throws of an intimate moment, any spot on the wall, ceiling or furniture could trigger the memory of that ill gotten time of your relationship and kill the moment and retread the very hurt you are beginning to forget!

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